complaint letter to kerasotes: uncensored

To whom it may concern:

The following complaint is in regard to both your managerial staff at the Kerasotes theater in Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota and your company policy, which is, if I may say, completely and utterly ridiculous.

Not three hours ago, my family and I went to see the 4:40 p.m. showing of "A Prairie Home Companion." We arrived at the theater right at 4:30, and after purchasing three tickets for the aforementioned showing of the aformentioned movie, I proceeded to the concessions counter for a small popcorn and a small Mr. Pibb. I was served promptly, which was most appreciated.

However, as I was buttering my popcorn, I got careless since I was in a hurry, and somehow I managed to make a mess and get butter all over the outside of the popcorn bag. I knew from previous experience that trying to wipe the butter off with a napkin would be futile (I've stained more pairs of pants this way than I care to count), so I decided to ask a girl behind the concessions counter for another bag. My plan was to double-bag my popcorn - that way I wouldn't get butter on my pricey clothes.

I explained my plan to the girl behind the concessions counter, and she seemed uneasy. She said, "Ask those two men standing back there, in the suits. I'm scared of them." She pointed at two men, presumably managers, standing side-by-side, arms folded, next to the ticket counter. I approached the two men. To the one on the right I said, "I asked that girl" - I pointed - "for a small popcorn bag, so I could double-bag my popcorn. I got butter on the one I was given, and I don't want to get that butter on my clothes. But she told me to ask you instead, because she's scared of you."

The manager scowled. "She's not afraid of me," he said. "She just knows that she's not supposed to give away merchandise for free."

"She told me flat-out that she's afraid of you. Why can't you give me a bag?"

He went on to explain in detail what I'm assuming is company policy, but seeing as how said company policy is bullshit, I sighed and walked away before he could finish and waste even more of my precious time.

So, because of company policy (or a blatantly incompetent manager - who knows), I was denied a paper bag that could not have cost Kerasotes more than ten cents.

Let me ask you this: What would you think if a cashier at a grocery store refused to double-bag your groceries? What would you think if you accidentally spilled a carton of milk at McDonald's and the staff refused to replace it for free? What would you think if a barista at Starbucks refused to double-cup your extra hot espresso drink? Would you return to that grocery store, that McDonald's, that Starbucks?

Would you return to a movie theater where the employees openly confess to customers that they're scared of their own managers?

What do you think that kind of company policy says to your customers? I'll tell you what it says: You, the customer, the reason Kerasotes is still in business, are not worth a ten-cent popcorn bag.

And this is what I have to say back: Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. But more importantly, change company policy. And tell your managers to lighten up and stop scaring the shit out of the high school freshmen who kiss ass day in and day out for minimum wage.

I am so thoroughly disgusted that I don't think I'll ever return to one of your theaters. But I don't expect you to care. After all, I wasn't worth a ten-cent popcorn bag.

Still in disbelief,
Kate ******

a few days or so after firing off this e-mail, a manager at the movie theater in question left me a voicemail message with his name and number so we could, and i quote, "further discuss my... experience." but i didn't call back. talk about having bigger fish to fry.