she'll dream about you

it's been four months since i last saw pat online. four and a half months since i last saw pat in person. four months since we broke up for the second time. three months since he emailed me saying that he never wanted to hear from me again under any circumstances.

i miss him. even now, i miss him. even though he was downright vicious. even though i was, too.

for the past four months i've dreamt about him practically every night. in february, i'd dream that he'd hold me tightly in his arms and agree to go back to being friends. in march, i'd dream the same thing, except he'd agree to go back to being friends over the internet, so needless to say he'd be unable to hold me tightly in his arms like he did in february. in april, i'd dream that i'd read all about his day-to-day life on myspace, even though i haven't actually done so since february (i had to stop because it made me cry every time without fail).

now that it's may, i dream that i find letters from him and photos of the two of us together, and i dream that i throw them away.

i debated sending him a copy of a picture i took in january, because i have a sinking feeling that he's managed to convince himself that he hates me, and i want him to remember what it was like before. i want him to remember that i love him.

but in the end i decided against it. even more than i want him to remember that i love him, i want him to go on with his life and get over me.

after we broke up i said, "are you sure we can't stay friends?"

and he said, "you always did value our friendship more than our relationship."

and i said, "of course." of course.

i miss him.