telling it like it is

my last final was on friday. i'm not living on campus anymore (not until next fall, at least) so i had to commute from home and park in a parking ramp.

parking for free on campus is next to impossible. actually, now that i think about it, it's regular-type impossible. plain and simple.

"you guys are whack."
"wiggedy whack?"
"no, just regular-type."

that's just how minneapolis is. to minneapolis, you say, "minneapolis, i am exhausted. that history final i told you about took like 2 hours to bullshit my way through and now my hand is fucking killing me. and on top of that, i got $20 back for a textbook that i paid $100 for." and minneapolis, minneapolis takes you by the shoulders and knees you. hard. right where it counts. and to you, you, writhing on the ground in unspeakable pain, minneapolis says, "parking is $7 for 2 hours, bitch."

"it's a pet name."

minneapolis says matter-of-factly, "that's how i roll."

my parents were out of town this weekend, so i got the house all to myself. on friday night i whipped up a box of kraft mac and cheese for dinner

"i had kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight."
"nice. original kraft macraoni and cheese?"
"shit yeah. i ain't no sucka."

and peed and showered with the bathroom door open.

i can't remember when, but a month or two ago maybe i signed up for a membership at 3yen friends, a website where you can browse profiles and correspond via email with people from all over the world. i joined because there are tons of japanese men signed up who are dying to learn english from a hot native speaker. or who are dying to get in my pants and hope that they can accomplish this highly improbable goal by helping me out with my japanese studies. either way, it doesn't matter.

in my profile i make it crystal clear that i'm interested in making friends with (and not dating) japanese men and women between the ages of 18 and 30, and that's that.

but one fateful day, a 62-year-old japanese man living here in the states emailed me. "you're sexy. let's be webcam buddies," was basically the gist of his email, except the english was like 10 times worse and it made me cringe.

"can't you feel its pain?"

needless to say, i declined. after all, he's old enough to have fathered me twice over. i'm 19 years old.

he FLIPPED HIS SHIT.

you know, its your attitude which turns white men to like asians, what are you doing on asian site anyhow ? their are sites for people of your limitations. Age is nothing, except to you christian oriented bigots who like to impose you sanctomious values on others. I want to see what you pussy chases when your fifty and how hypicritical you realize youve been at that age. Do the world a favor get the broom out of your ass

besides now i see you a fat chick too listen do me a favor forget i ever wrote you it was really random.....haha you fatty good luck big girl

so to sum up, i am:

- a bigot, even though at that point i had already made friends with a countless number of japanese men and women thanks to 3yen friends,
- a hypocrite, despite the fact that i'm 100% confident that 40 years from now i will have no interest whatsoever in chasing after pieces of 19-year-old man meat, and
- uptight, because i have absolutely zero desire to take off my clothes for a man almost 3 times my age.

good to know.

in addition, i am 5'7" and 130 pounds. i'm not skinny, but i'm not fat, either. i'm average. but even so i couldn't help but get defensive.

i wanted to say, "mister, quit being a dick. you and i both know that i'm anything but fat. you and i both know that you're just pissed and trying to get back at me. unfortunately for you, i'm not insecure about my weight."

i wanted to say, "mister, if you honestly believe i'm fat, i'm here to tell you that you're going to end up disappointed. you're 62 and you're chasing after 19-year-olds. you're not going to find a 19-year-old on the internet who is totally unfazed by the fact that you're like 40 years her senior. but if by some chance you do, she will not be sexy and brainy like i am. you're going to have to lower your standards if you insist on hooking up with a 19-year-old."

but what i actually said was, "mister, you're a fucking pedophile."

p.s. other questionable (and by that i most decidedly mean "creepy") middle-aged japanese men who have contacted me:

11:03 p.m. :: ::
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