it wasn't like this before

Every day I go to school, come home, books and loose leaf paper on the keyboard tray, computer screen littered with chat windows. I pop a birth control pill before bed and wrap myself up in three comforters. Wake up, rinse and repeat. I was on the phone with Stephen last week, Resa and I were driving to her house with hot apple ciders, I told him my life had no meaning and laughed. I don't think he sleeps.

Thursday was Bendy's birthday. Di picked me up at 9 p.m. that night. Back and forth, clean windshields, he pleaded with me not to because I was doing it wrong, once. We bought Bendy a root beer shake (with extra root beer, please), and Bendy gave us directions to a nearby park. With a tire swing. I had to sit on a bench and close my eyes so I wouldn't toss my cookies. I watched Di and Bendy struggle in the gravel. Di's laughter and passing cars, Matt wishing he was the one under her. All I could think about was nausea and dirty clothes, and I realized that I'm not part of this anymore.

Yesterday Resa and I ate quesadillas at Ground Round because Bendy never showed up at Mark's. He called Resa after I left, hollow apologies, everyone leaves me for Di.

I told Pat last week. That I cheated on him. And I hope he never asks me why, because I don't know what I'll say. He wasn't angry until today. I was brushing my hair and he left. He called me a few minutes later, "I read the chat logs," "Don't talk to me," and it hurt more than anything. My mom asked why he left. "Work started earlier than he thought."

I've gotten locked out a few times before, and that's what it feels like now. I'm locked out of my life and pounding on the windows and please let me in. I cry in the shower and I can't sleep, it's cold outside. You deserve someone better.

Remember that music video you showed me? He threw his door out the window, put his window under his bed, and the glass of water was never empty. The room is filled with guilt, and it's not fun like you thought it would be.

This place is not my place, these ways are not my ways (&), it wasn't like this before.

I ate the slice of pizza you gave me last night, when you said I smelled like the third grade. It was delicious. You told me you can't believe anything I say now, but I love you.