no overanalyzations here!

I just got an e-mail less than thirty seconds ago, probably the shadiest e-mail I've ever received:

From: diplomas@advanced_careers
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: Get your Bachelors, Masters or PhD right now.
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2001 17:31:30 -0400 (EDT)

U N I V E R S I T Y � D I P L O M A S

Obtain a prosperous future, money-earning power, and the admiration of all.

Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience.

No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.

Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your choice.

No one is turned down.

Confidentiality assured.

CALL NOW to receive your diploma within days!!!

1 - 3 1 3 - 7 3 1 - 0 2 2 4
� � �� � � � ��or
1 - 6 1 2 - 6 7 7 - 3 3 0 1

Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays.

You know how in any TV show based around the flimsy lives of stereotypical teenagers, there's always a point in the main character's life where they get a fake ID off the black market and try to sneak into a 21+ club? Yeah, that's what this e-mail reminds me of. 'A doctorate without any required tests, classes, books, or interviews'? What is required, then, selling your soul?

It also seems that by receiving my doctorate from a soul-pusher, I can obtain the admiration of all. The admiration of all. A group of thirty people or so can't even decide unanimously whether they want cheese or pepperoni pizza, but no, a pseudo-doctorate rises above the statistics -- it can lead to the admiration of all.

However, what is possibly most alarming is that the second phone number has a Minneapolis area code (612), which is approximately forty minutes away from here, depending on traffic and whatnot. Man, they probably even established business in a building where they make dolls out of real baby hides. I bet that's why you can 'call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays,' because a few of the babies had deformations and were therefore below company standards. They couldn't just go and let the children back into the free world, either. The kid would grow up with an unexplainable, chronic fear of dolls, then end up choking and spilling the name and address of the organization to their psychiatrist. So instead, they have the inadequate ones man the telephones around the clock. On top of that, the rebellious ones don't get Christmas vacation off and/or sleep, so they work the graveyard shift, along with holidays.

And no, I never overanalyze anything. Never, do you hear me?