what i've thrown away

I went to the doctor.

I skated at this roller-rink I used to go to every weekend in middle school. I took turns holding hands with Resa and Di to keep my balance. And I was sitting on Resa's lap and preteen boys pressed in around us and dared us to kiss for a dollar. So we did.

I was in run crew for a week, during one-acts. Padding across the stage in socks, swapping sets in the dark. I loved it to pieces.

Then, finals week.

Pat called on Saturday and I talked a little about Japan, collecting letters of recommendation and composing essays and attending 9 a.m. meetings.

And he didn't say anything.

I said, "Will you miss me?"

Quietly, "Yeah."

And I cried and I thought of him. I thought of him coming back.

The other night I dreamt that he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck and said, "I love you."

At one point a few months ago Jackie and I were talking and I said, "Pat and I were supposed to get married a few weeks after I graduate."

And she said, "Kate, can I go to your wedding?"

And I said, "If there is one."

Oh please oh please oh please.