creativity at its finest
You know that pre-wrapped cheesy movie spawned by the 80s, Labyrinth? A new ending for it, I have produced. Parts of the screenplay left unaltered will remain in plain text, whereas my supreme, insightful improvements will appear in italicized text.
INT. - THE GOBLIN KING'S CASTLE - DAY
JARETH (otherwise known as the Goblin King, David Bowie, my idol¹, etc.) sings, performing gravity-defying feats as he walks upsidedown underneath platforms and staircases. Occasionally he swings up to the level SARAH is occupying -- however, SARAH seems nonplused by JARETH's obvious acts of affection, and she looks around frantically for TOBI, her baby brother who was stolen by JARETH upon request.
When it conforms to a break in JARETH's much-lacking musical performance, he retrieves a glass orb from the pockets of nowhere and chucks it into oblivion. The camera follows the glass orb as it bounces up the stairs and into the hands of TOBI. SARAH's eyes widen in surprise when she finally notices where TOBI is sitting, in his heat-seeking white and red horizontal-striped jump suit.
SARAH frantically makes her way towards TOBI, climbing up and down several flights of oddly-placed staircases, yelling TOBI's name in a pathetic attempt to get his attention. TOBI makes his opinion of SARAH known by completely ignoring her and crawling elsewhere. It seems TOBI possesses the same power JARETH does, judging by where he chooses to climb.
SARAH screams desperately to catch TOBI's attention as TOBI nears the edge of a chasm. Believing TOBI has been blessed by JARETH's gravity-opposing magic, SARAH's alarm for his safety is minimal. TOBI draws closer to the edge, and just as he's about to swing his infant body under the platform, modern science abandons him and he spirals to the floor, his skull cracking open like an egg thrown at the side of a house. Small, underdeveloped internal organs splatter against nearby platforms and stairwells.
JARETH's ballad dripping with love immediately comes to an end, and SARAH ceases her madd scrambling. The silence is deafening. The cameraman makes his distraught known as the camera violently pans between JARETH, SARAH (both of who are blankly staring at the heap of humanity on the floor), and the splattered remains of TOBI.
SARAH: God damnit.
JARETH: Shut the hell up, woman. You weren't in need of more minions. For Christ's sake, my evil followers were helping a vacant-eyed bubblehead in her weak attempts to slaughter me and impale me on a stick!
SARAH: That's what evil followers do, dumbass.
JARETH: Shit, that came out of nowhere!
SARAH: That's because you have no power over me.
JARETH scowls in disappointment and morphs into a Great Snowy Owl, swooping gracefully into SARAH's living room and dropping her off there. After a moment of collection, SARAH bounds up the stairs in pursuit of TOBI, praying he's asleep and safe in his crib that frighteningly resembles a cage. SARAH bursts into TOBI's room, realizing in horror that all that's left to show that TOBI once existed is a miniature chalk outline of his corpse, which remains untouched smeared on the walls of JARETH's castle.
Exhausted from venturing through the dank recesses of the Labyrinth, SARAH storms out of the former TOBI's room and into her own, throwing herself onto her desk chair. She angrily begins shoving her frilly possessions into a desk drawer, gathering expensive items she knows she can sell for hard cash. SARAH knows it'll come in handy once her parents disown her.
Saddened, SARAH looks into her mirror. HOGGLE and LUDO peer back at her.
HOGGLE: Should you need us, we'll be here for you.
LUDO nods in agreement.
SARAH: I need you, HOGGLE.
HOGGLE: (Obviously surprised.) You do?
SARAH: Yes. Sometimes during my life, for no reason at all, I'll need you.
HOGGLE: Well, why didn't you say so?!
Beaming in evident happiness, SARAH whirls around to see all of the creatures she encounterd during her journey through the Labyrinth. SARAH dives onto her bed, giving out hugs like free puppies.
Meanwhile, SARAH's parents enter into the living room. SARAH'S STEP MOM delicately hangs her coat onto a rack. Worry is etched into her features.
SARAH'S STEP MOM: I hope I haven't been too hard on SARAH.
SARAH'S FATHER: She'll be fine. I'm sure her evening was filled with reinactments of various plays, frolicking through meadows of poppies, and gang raping for points.
SARAH'S STEP MOM smiles faintly with hope.
SARAH'S STEP MOM: Yes. Yes, maybe you're right.
Hand in hand, SARAH'S STEP MOM and FATHER climb the staircase to SARAH's bedroom. SARAH'S FATHER gingerly pushes open her ajar bedroom door with his fingertips.
The camera reveals a pitiful state of affairs. SARAH's fine all right -- rocking back and forth upon her bed, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. A blissful smile adorns her face. SARAH'S STEP MOM rips her hand away in horror.
SARAH'S STEP MOM: Oh God! It's worse than I thought! She's -- SHE'S A FLOWER CHILD! Sweet Lord, I didn't think one night alone would --!
SARAH'S FATHER slams SARAH's bedroom door shut and sternly retreats back down the stairs. SARAH'S STEP MOM follows meekly. The camera pans back to SARAH's gesticulations of idiocy. The scene fades out, and several seconds later, it fades back in, exposing SARAH performing her strange, strange celebratory dance over the loss of her sanity, clad in a white straight jacket. The walls of the asylum embrace her, and she knows she is truly home.
The scene dissipates into the credits.
¹ Yeah, that was sarcasm. Much to your relief, I'm sure. But hey, any guy that can get his hair like that and still go out in public, man, that says something. That 'something' may not necessarily be good, but hey, no matter.