four instances of bullshit

last year i decided that i wanted to study abroad in japan again, this time for a semester and not a full year. on february 14th, i submitted an application via the university of minnesota's learning abroad office to attend nanzan university in nagoya this upcoming fall.

long story short (and it's a long story, trust me), my application got lost in the mail and subsequently never made it to its destination. but i didn't find out until april, and the application deadline was march 1st, so it's too late to reapply. instead, i submitted an application (online this time - never again will i trust the learning abroad office) to attend meikai university in tokyo. i haven't heard back yet, but rest assured, as soon as i have you'll be the first to know. or at least that's what i've been telling everybody who asks. but i will say this: the odds aren't in my favor. the application deadline is may 1st, and from what i hear it's a competitive program. and who wouldn't want to study abroad for a semester in tokyo, right?

II

i'll tell you who wouldn't want to study abroad for a semester in tokyo: me. don't get me wrong, i don't have anything against tokyo. honest. it's just that i'm not dying to go there. but i am dying to go to japan, and if the only way i can go to japan is to go to tokyo, then so be it.

somebody named bill instant messaged me out of the blue friday night. which wouldn't have been out of the ordinary like five years ago when the internet was my world -

"internet, baby, you know you're my world.

- but i'm not into chatting online anymore. it took over my life once and i'll be damned if i'll let it happen again.

anyway, i was logged onto 3yen and firing off emails in japanese to my "penpals," for lack of a better word, when bill instant messaged me, probably because he stumbled across my 3yen profile. all i know about him is that he's a second-year japanese student. but he wanted to chat in japanese, so we did. his japanese wasn't half bad. it was certainly better than mine was after two years, but then again i was a sophomore in high school at the time.

at one point bill said, "next year i'm going to study abroad in tokyo."

i said, "that's nice. i've never been to tokyo, myself."

he said, "you're kidding, right? how can you have never been to tokyo?"

i said, "well, it was far away from where i lived, for one. it takes like two hours to get there via bullet train."

he said, "two hours isn't bad."

i said in english for emphasis, "it is when you have absolutely no desire whatsover to go there."

he said, "don't you want to see tokyo tower? mt. fuji?"

i said, "not particularly, no." WOULD YOU FUCK OFF ALREADY, BILL? JESUS CHRIST.

later he said, "are japanese women beautiful?"

i said, "yes." short and sweet. by this time i was sufficiently fed up with bill. but to be honest - and he'll find this out for himself - hell yes japanese women are beautiful. oh my god. first of all, they don't go out in public in their fucking pajamas like american women do. but if anybody has the right to go out in public in their pajamas, it's japanese women. never in my life have i seen so many beautiful women in one place. it boggles my mind that they think that american women are better looking, because i just don't see it.

III

but not only are american women better looking than japanese women (or so the story goes), but american men are better looking than japanese men. japanese women love american men. if you are an american man, i'm dead serious, japanese women will practically throw themselves at your feet. and it doesn't matter one bit if you're fucking ugly - or fugly, if you will (or even if you won't). not one bit. although it certainly helps if you're white.

IV

earlier today my boyfriend went from talking about how people with peanut allergies are dumb because peanuts are delicious to singing will smith's "gettin' jiggy wit' it."

he sang, "gettin' jiggy wit' it / na, na, na, na, na-na, na / na, na, na, na, na-na."

(by the way, exactly how rich do you have to be before you can get away with bullshit lyrics like that?)

i said, "how are peanut allergies and 'gettin' jiggy wit' it' related, now?"

then -

"do you feel that?"
"you mean the rolling chill of impending doom?"
"yeah."

- he sang, "gettin' jiffy wit' it / na, na, na, na, na-na, na / na, na, na, na, na-na."