godDAMN, she thick

i have a list. a list of men who are like twice my age who i'd bang in a heartbeat if given the chance. and until the night before last, jon stewart was the list. because really, i'm not into banging men who are twice my age. but i'd make an exception for jon stewart.

but the night before last. the night before last i was sitting cross-legged on the futon with a bowl of easy mac balanced on my lap, and i was listening to loveline on the radio. it was a "best-of" show, according to dr. drew. in actuality, it was a re-run. don't try to sugar-coat it, dr. drew. anyway, the co-host was the lead singer of a finnish band that i'd never heard of called him. and at one point the lead singer said something along the lines of, "i think english has been raped by the misuse of it."

somebody who empathizes with what the english language has gone through! because the english language has been through a lot, let me tell you. there is a song called, i shit you not, "i'm n luv (wit a stripper)" by t-pain. don't ask me why t-pain ("t-pain. t as in 'turtle' and pain as in 'i'm in pain'") decided to spell out the word "stripper" in its entirety and shorten "in" down to one letter despite the fact that it's already a two-letter word. it's gotten to the point where i'm beginning to call into question the next generation's ability to spell. i mean, if every store front, name brand, and song title is misspelled, how are you supposed to know which spelling is correct and which isn't?

but regardless, here's the updated list:

men who i'd bang despite their being twice my age

1. jon stewart
2. the lead singer of him, whatever his name is

speaking of loveline, i tuned in again last night and a 12-year-old called in asking about... well, i don't remember what she was asking about, actually. but she confessed to having sexual fantasies about children. children younger than 12, apparently. anyway, she was going into the sexual side of her relationship with her boyfriend and she said that he, and i quote, "made [her] touch his thing."

new rule. if you have to refer to your boyfriend's penis as his "thing," you're not ready. jesus.