tadaima

ive been putting off updating my diary because there is just so much that i have to write about that its kind of intimidating.

i guess i should start off by saying that im home. im kind of lucky in that i have three homes - the US, japan, and pat (well see how longer that lasts, but ill get to that later). but in this case im talking about the US. ive actually been home for a little over a week now. i arrived at the minneapolis-st. paul airport on december 22nd at like 9:30 p.m. because the plane was 2 hours late getting out of osaka. apparently it was because the nose of the plane was leaking. it was actually kind of interesting, because the announcement was made in english with no japanese translation, and even though i think most of the people on board were american, or at least english-speaking, naturally there were a lot of japanese people too. the woman sitting next to me was japanese, actually, and after we had been sitting at the gate for about an hour she asked me (in japanese) why we hadnt taken off yet. i dont know how she knew that i speak japanese. its possible that she saw me reading a note from sa-chan (my younger host sister) and put two and two together. anyway, i did my best to explain what was going on. im fluent in japanese but that doesnt mean i can throw around airplane terminology. i think i told her that "liquid was coming out of the front of the plane, and now theyre putting it into the computer."

my friends met me at the airport with a HUGE sign that they colored themselves that said "WELCOME BACK KATE," and as promised resa got the first hug. i couldnt see her face but i could tell from her voice that she was crying, and i started crying too.

a lot of people came. resa, jackie, di, carl (he was late because of work, though), james, matt, nick, feeney, steph, greg, bendy... i think theres one or two other people im forgetting. i didnt get to say hi to everybody i wanted to.

we all went to ihop for pancakes (my idea) and i could not believe how big everything was. in japan people just do not eat/drink that much, or need that much space.

i finally fell asleep around 2, which is a lot later than id planned, but i had to call pat. ill get to that part later.

im experiencing less culture shock than i thought i would, but then again school hasnt started yet. to quote nick, it feels like i jumped 9 months into the future (which is what i wanted at one point). in some ways it feels like i never left. i was surprised when i walked into my house and i felt a lot of the same feelings i had before i left for japan, the same feelings that made me want to go to japan in the first place. like longing for pat and uneasiness about what he will decide, and the feeling that i have nothing to do and that im just killing time. but i havent just jumped into the future. i dont know how obvious it is but ive changed a lot since march. this time i can look at my feelings a lot more objectively, especially the feelings ive already gotten over while i was in japan, like the aforementioned longing, uneasiness, and boredom.

i knew before that what kind of music i listen to really depends on my mood, but it didnt really hit me until i was looking through my mp3 collection. it hasnt been touched since march and it says a lot about how i was feeling at the time. ill probably trash most of it, if not all of it, which is a good sign. my music collection was 100% sentimental and over the top and had lyrics like this:

and i start my day thinking about
what ive thrown away
could i push rewind?

the next time i cheat on my boyfriend of 2 and a half years and he breaks up with me im going to listen to pantera and slayer and morbid angel (japan reference!). how cool would that be?

i keep getting ahead of myself. anyway, i did have a little reverse culture shock. compared to the japanese americans are just so open, which like everything has its good points and its bad points. it means that youre a lot more likely to strike up a conversation with a stranger (i missed that about america), but youre also reminded a lot more often that people are assholes. in japan jumping in front of trains is a popular way to commit suicide. in case you didnt know japan has the worlds highest suicide rate of 14%. last month (i think) i was on the train and it stopped outside of nishinomiya-kitaguchi station because there had been an "accident," which 9 times out of 10 means that someones killed themselves. i didnt know it at the time, but that was the case that morning. someone had jumped in front of a train at tsukaguchi station, so trains were coming late into nishi-kita and delaying the other inbound trains, like the one i was on. so i was sitting on the train (id been lucky enough to get a seat) and was just waiting for exasperated sighs and complaining and impatience, but no one said a word except for these 2 high school boys, and they seemed fine about it. i dont remember exactly what they were talking about but i think they were just wondering aloud if it was a suicide. in america all hell would break loose. who cares that paramedics are cleaning up the remains of someone who killed themselves off the train tracks? i cant be late to work!

to me jumping in front of a train seems like itd be a "selfish" way to commit suicide from the japanese point of view, because of the... mess. i asked my japanese teacher about it and she said that its probably because guns arent available legally in japan. people want to die painlessly so they jump off buildings or in front of trains.

now im going to change subjects because i hate suicide. i cant stand it when people hurt like that. i still think of alex sometimes. i hope he found what he was looking for.

in japan blondes are very exotic so i got a lot of attention wherever i went. sometimes i enjoyed it and sometimes i made faces at little kids (i am going straight to hell). in america im hot, but i dont turn heads like i did in japan.

speaking of being hot, i got a makeover on tuesday. my mom and i went in together. im really happy with my new haircut, even though its even more high-maintenance than my last one was. i cant just blowdry it now, i have to use a straightening iron too. but using an iron wont damage my hair as much, and this way i can shower every other day (hi pat).

okay, now. pat and i still arent dating. hes coming to visit me for a week in january and i have a feeling hell make his decision after hes seen me again. i think it could go either way. from what hes told me in the past hell probably come back, but that easily couldve changed. hes really busy with school and work and a million other things. ive been trying to get ahold of him for almost a week now but he hasnt been returning my txt messages. im doing my best not to take it personally. hes busy.

part of me is scared, but im also ready to move on. since were still friends its taken an eternity to get over him. its been a little over a year now and im still not there yet. i cant completely get over him if were friends. ive thought about it a lot and i do still love him and want to spend my life with him, but while it would hurt immensely at first to be without him, i know id be okay. but i still HATE the idea of him being with someone else. i dont think id want to date anyone for a long time either.

but hey, its not over yet. im not going to give up. he really is worth it. youll just have to trust me.

as you can see i still havent gotten back to using capital letters and apostrophes. ill get around to it one of these days. i know it probably sounds stupid but its easier to write like this. i dont have to sit and think about what to type, it just comes.

im definitely going to keep writing about my adventures in japan, but ill write about my life here at the same time. ill write about japan next time, though. i just wanted to say tadaima.