It's been awhile, I know

Had a dream the night before last. No, two nights ago now. I was at this place - I guess you'd call it a brothel, but what they did there was closer to matchmaking than prostitution. You'd go there, and they'd find you somebody to have sex with. Somebody who was a good match for you, sexually.

Anyway, I was there but not sure why, because having sex with people I don't know isn't my thing, really. I was sitting across from a woman. She'd set me up with U2, and maybe System of a Down's lead singer (his name's Serj Tankian, FYI - he's singing solo now, according to the radio station I listen to). She didn't know. Maybe Serj would be there. Maybe not.

I don't even like U2's music. I'm not going to have sex with a band who's music I don't like. And I mean, I like System of a Down and everything, but not enough to make having sex with U2 worth my while. Talk about having bigger fish to fry.

Then I was sitting across from U2 and Serj, wanting to back out but not sure how. One of the guys from U2 was filing his nails (probably Bono - what an asshole). Another, reading the paper. That's when I changed my mind. "You're not too good for me, U2," I wanted to say.

But I woke up. There was more to it than that, but I'll spare you the details, because trust me, you don't want to know. But I will say that I never did have sex with U2 and Serj.

How would that have worked, anyway? Would I have been passed around like a joint? Would Bono have taken a hit off me? If I was, say, having sex with Serj, what would the guys from U2 do? Would they watch, or have sex with each other? Or watch while having sex with each other? My dreams have more holes than the plots in M. Night Shyamalan's movies.

By the way, his newest movie, The Happening? The big twist at the end - because all of his movies have big twists at the end - is that people are dying because the trees are killing them. And the trees are passive-agressive about it, too. They release a gas into the air - like CO2, but worse (or maybe better) - that makes people want to die. No shit. He even cuts to trees, like a normal director'd do with a killer or a murder weapon or a dead person in a normal movie. I can't wait to see it. Of course, I'll download it.

P.S. Dear Disturbed: I know I'm asking a lot - I mean, I'm still waiting for you to come out with a song worth my time - but if you could stop with the laughing, I'd appreciate it. Metallica's been laughing in their songs before your balls even dropped, okay?